Often times do you feel overwhelmed? I do! I actually say to myself and to others that my life is in shambles, it’s like second nature but I’m actually being serious about that.
So if you read my other blogs you would know that I am a full time mother, a full time employee, and a full time student – it is honestly soooooooooooooo HARD! Sometimes I want to cry because there’s just not enough time in a day for everything. When I have to work a whole shift, have a lot of homework to do, and Avianna is in need of all of my attention it’s so tough and I know that not everything will get done which sucks. You have to be an expert with time and I’m going to be completely honest…. I suck with time and managing it but just like everybody else I have good days and bad days.
When I seek advice on how I can do better in all three areas everybody tells me to set some kind of schedule and I truly am in the process of trying but my work schedule is all types of crazy and it’s hard to create structure around that but I still manage some how some way. Sometimes I wish I had more time to focus on school and more time to be at home with my baby girl but another part of me is telling me to work hard and bust my ass so I can pave the way for my daughter.
So how do you really find balance? You know…. I don’t really have an answer to that. It really depends on what you define as “balance” because even thought my life is in shambles like I always say I still feel like for majority of the time I have a good balance in my life. There’s also not one specific thing or routine that works for me, it’s always different every single day I just wing it literally! It really comes down to what works for you and what doesn’t work you, but also to not let other people get to you by what they’re doing and the pace they’re going – that was my biggest mistake, I paid a lot of attention to this one particular mom and I admired her; it seemed like she had the calmest baby ever who always played with her when it was time to play and slept when it was bed time but she also had her baby on a very strict schedule/routine and I was so jealous. She also snapped back very fast and lost all of her baby weight and I’m just like HOW????? How the heck does she do it? She’s like super mom! I had to take a step back and realize some things such as she was a stay at home mom so of course she dedicates her time and energy into training sleeping patterns and good habits as she has the time to, she’s also married and has a fully committed partner to help her out while she goes and meet with her trainer. I had to stop beating myself up about certain things and really accept that this is my life and I have to love it! It’s constant, it’s busy, it’s crazy, it’s inconsistent, it’s up and it’s down but I still love it and I am still very proud of myself – proud of what I do.
So honestly, there is no true balance for me, one thing that does really help me get through my day is writing things down or putting little alarms on my phone. I sometimes even use sticky notes and stick them on the back of my phone to remember certain things, it works for me so figure out what works for you. It’s always a great thing to look up to people, give other compliments, or even admire somebody BUT you can’t get caught up in their life and their path because you’re on your own. 🙂
I used to question everything I was doing because I didn’t think doing any of this was possible. It’s hard to make time for everything but that’s when my faith kicks in, I have to believe in God and truly believe that all things are possible, but most importantly I had to believe in myself and program in my mind that I can do it…. I can do it ALL!!! Everything takes time but do what works for you and don’t ever give up because there’s always a way. I say this saying soooooo much on my Twitter and even to others but it’s so true “If you change your mindset it can and WILL change your life”.
Regardless of what your situation is and how you became a single mom or if you started off as one . . . .
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK !!!!!!
It took me a long time to realize that I can’t be so hard on myself, especially when it’s only me 24/7 to do everything necessary for my baby girl. I realized that I will always feel down if I don’t ever stop and appreciate things for what they are in that moment. I had this bad habit of picking on myself, I would sit there and think about all of the things that I may be doing wrong or if I’m doing enough in my life for me and my daughter when in reality I am doing the best that I can which I know but sometimes I can’t give myself credit. It’s truly trial and error but everyday I get better and better with it.
So here’s my message –
Don’t be too hard only yourself because you are doing an amazing job. It’s not easy trying to take care of a child, not mentally, not physically, and definitely not financially. We get no breaks because when our babies are ready to play we have to play, when they want to eat we have to feed them, and when they sleep half of the time we can’t shut down to sleep with them. I want you all to put your trust and faith into God because that’s who got me through, when I felt like I was alone and broken he restored me again. We have a very hard job but in order to take care of our little one we have to take care of ourselves first and put ourselves in the best position possible to care for out them, it’s necessary. Often times we get down because we feel like we are not doing enough when we are doing above and beyond that! No matter how hard things get please don’t ever give up because things will get better and it may take time but they will. Once you start taking care of business, things will fall into place and you won’t even realize it. I also know that as a mom we struggle with many different things but just know that it’s OKAY to give yourself a break, to go have some time to yourself because we all need it. Often times we feel left out of the world because we have a big job and it may seem like life is passing us by but it’s not, life is right there with your baby and you have to find beauty in that. I see y’all, I hear y’all, and I’m with y’all…. everyday we face a new battle and a new struggle but that’s what makes us so strong. We are truly built for this because if we weren’t, God wouldn’t put us in this position in first place so remember that where he guide he will always provide. Sure we don’t have the freedom like we used to because our hands are so tied but look at your baby and tell me that the amount of love and joy that fills your heart isn’t the most amazing thing ever. Don’t ever give up because you can do this, mama!
10 toes down, chin up.
So here I am knocked up by this guy that I’ve only been talking to for 3 months, so now what do I do? What are my options? I remember constantly thinking to myself “this can’t be life” I kept saying it over and over again. I brought him around my family a couple of times before I found out I was pregnant and my mom told me she didn’t have a good feeling about him, that I should stop seeing him and sleeping at his house but of course I didn’t listen. I had to outweigh all of my options at this point but there was only two that came to mind which was keep it or abort the child. I finally came clean and told my mom, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but it hurt me so bad to know that she was disappointed in me, I felt like I completely failed in life to know that my mom was so disappointed. More than ever I just wanted my mom to talk to me, be there for me, help me, but most importantly pray for me – I told her that I was highly considering getting an abortion which was very hard for me to do because we are a Christian and I didn’t want her to slap me in the face, thankfully she didn’t because she understood everything I was going through. My mom told me that she would support me with whatever decision I choose to go with but she didn’t waste no time to reassure me that as a Christian that is not the right thing to do and that’s not what we believe in. I didn’t have much time to make a decision because I was already so far along and everyday the seed is growing. After thinking long and hard about it I wasn’t ready to give up my life and settle with having to deal with him for the rest of my life so I called the abortion clinic, made my appointment, and that was that. For some reason after making that decision it didn’t feel right and it was hurting me, all I could do was cry for days and I would try to run to my friends and my sister as if they can make that decision for me. I remember I was so disturbed at work as it was the day before my abortion appointment and I had to log myself out, go into an empty room, and I got down on my knees – it was me and God at this point. All I could do was pray to him and let him know my struggles, to please guide me through this and show me which way to go. I set 3 abortion appointments and couldn’t get myself to make any of them and it wasn’t because of the cost, the protesters, or anybody else but I knew in my heart that I was going to keep this baby and I kept telling myself that God did this for a reason and I will not go against it.
I had to face the facts and face my truth, I did a very ungodly thing by having sex with a man that I wasn’t even with to begin with, a man that doesn’t love me, and a man I know I will never be with… I KNEW ALL OF THIS but still did it – why? I was vulnerable, dumb, and lonely. Sometimes you deal with temporary pain such as a heartbreak that will heal over time but then you can also get something permanent like a child. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not regret one thing because this is all apart of God’s plan although I was having a tough time understanding this at first, it’s not my child that was the consequence but more of the situation I am stuck in for life. The thought of having to deal with someone that you don’t even want to look at because you HAVE to for the sake of your child is a tough pill to swallow. After deciding that I was going to keep the baby my life was more at ease and I was able to breathe again, a calm feeling came over me because I just knew I was supposed to have this baby, God was telling me or else this wouldn’t have happened. I felt bipolar to be completely honest one minute I was happy with my decision then the next I was like WTF am I doing and how am I supposed to raise a child when I’m trying to grow up my damn self.
A wise man told me “Tarin, just know that if you keep this baby you have to remove you and him out of the picture because regardless of what he decides to do YOU have to care for this child 210% and it will always be YOU. Just prepare to be a single parent.”
That stuck with me my whole pregnancy because this wise man knew my situation very well and it made sense.
Questions that I get very often….
- how did you get through pregnancy alone?
- whats the situation with you and you baby daddy?
- how do you keep sane?
- How do you do it now?
- Would you ever fix things to make a family again?
(will answer in next blog)
Again guys – these are my RAW thoughts and my story. In no way am I trying to shade nobody in any kind of way but it’s just MY truth and I will tell it.
Peace and Love,