How my daughter saved me

My daughter is my saving grace and my main source of happiness because of her I am able to experience REAL, TRUE, AND GENUINE LOVE! 

Often times I reflect back on my life and I always wonder how my life would be if I didn’t have her and I can’t seem to find a good answer or even a good thought when it comes to that. Although it took me a long time to realize the good out of such a fast, scary, and unplanned situation I finally see the light in everything. Before when I first found out I had PPD I struggled so badly with having good thoughts when it came to my daughter, I had too many moments where I was dwelling on all of the bad and all I could think about was my old life, wanting that life back so badly. At one point I was drowning so badly that I couldn’t even look at my own daughter and be happy because I was that blind, my mind was so far gone at that point.  It took a lot to drag me out of that deep hole but with A LOT of prayer, guidance, and support from my family and friends I started to find my balance little by little. People say “if you change your way of thinking, it can change your life” which is such a true statement because that was exactly what happened with me, it had to happen but I will say this…. It wasn’t easy at all. 

Being a mom is the most attractive thing about me, I’m raising my child the best way I know how, I have a great job that I can honestly make a career out of, I am in school, I am a woman of God and have strong faith. If you ask me I’ve been holding it together pretty damn well!! It’s about time I acknowledge that myself and not let these negative people take that away from me. My daughter fulfills my life and she put so much together for me and I don’t think anybody will truly understand that. 

Sure I am a single mom and this is not the most ideal situation as people would say but what is an ideal situation? This will be different for everybody but I am still trying to figure that out and that’s okay. If it wasn’t for her I would still be out every single night drunk at every club downtown, having a job just to have one, walking around here with NO type of purpose. Once I found out I was pregnant my whole entire mindset changed for the better and I can’t thank God enough for trusting me with Avianna because she is a true gift from up above. My daughter gave me drive and she gave me purpose in this life, she also filled this void that I had in my  life and gave me this CRAZY motivation to do better in life. I became a very different person but at the same stayed the same, when I say different I mean in a good way, it was honestly almost like magic how things dramatically changed with me – I became better at decision making, I became much more responsible, I found it within myself to go back to school, I started to manage my finances better, and I started giving people/things in my life an expiration date which was something I struggled with very badly before because I just didn’t know how or I didn’t see a reason to. She pushed me to cut those toxic people out of my life because I didn’t want that for her and I didn’t want to be that settling example for her. It’s almost like she forces me to be happy, give off good energy, and spread love because that’s honestly what life is about.. it’s the cycle of life.

Before Avianna I was honestly so lost and I can’t say that enough, she forced me to grow up and be who I am today. I’ve never been so proud of myself, looking back on my life and seeing how far I came but to look forward is the more exciting part of it all. Being a mom isn’t easy period, it’s an everyday challenge and there’s no manual that I can go to for instructions or guidance on how to mother my child.

Avianna is my biggest blessing and my biggest accomplishment, I will allow her to always be my light. 

Love,

A single mother 

How I overcame postpartum depression

At the beginning of all of this, I felt lonely and alone more than I ever did in my entire life. I kept feeling like there was this void missing and nothing was filling it for me but the thought of my baby girl did. I was still trying to accept the fact that I wasn’t going to have the perfect little family and I was also struggling to find happiness within myself. It was an everyday battle with my mind/thoughts and trying to overcome that wasn’t easy at all. Everyday came a new fight, a new hurdle to overcome and the ONLY way I got through was because of God, he heard me crying out to him. Getting through my pregnancy was actually the easy part, although there were many challenges I faced everyday I was still able to find the strength to get through, I was still able to recognize my blessing and carry on. Often times I felt very bipolar and it was a struggle to keep a positive mindset because it would change every 5 minutes LITERALLY.

After I had my baby is when everything really hit me HARD. When I was I pregnant I obviously knew that my life was going to change but man… nobody prepared me for this. The emotions that I was feeling everyday was just insane and I couldn’t control it this time around. I was in recovery mode and it made me so sad that I couldn’t care for my child the way that I wanted to. I had to sacrifice many trips with my friends because I wasn’t able to just get up and go anymore which I knew while I was pregnant but when the time came and I had to actually cancel my ticket (no refund back), tell my friends that I can’t go anymore, and then sit back and watch them was so depressing. To watch everybody life around me go on while I felt like my life just stopped  was a terrible feeling. I remember when I first came home with her, I just looked at her with this blank face because I felt like it was her fault that my life was like this and she was the reason that I feel this sad and mad! I knew this wasn’t good so I continued to pray to God, to please get me out of this dark place because when you’re in a dark place and can’t get out… the story doesn’t end too well. I remember filling out those postpartum questionaries that the doctor would give me at every appointment and my answers were very honest but I failed, I was most definitely diagnosed with postpartum depression. I called on God first and I made sure I continued to keep him at the center of my life, but I also tried to seek professional help with a therapist to see if that would help but I kept missing the appointments because my life was in complete shambles. MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE CHANGED and I did not know what to do with myself, everyday I realized another thing that I just could not do anymore.

My mind was so clogged up with negativity that it was in the way of the blessing that I had with me everyday which was my daughter. I talked to God everyday to help me because I want to be the best mother that I can be to my little girl. I remember I used to cry when Avianna cried, I remember crying because my incision hurt so bad, I remember crying because she wouldn’t sleep, I remember crying when it took hard work to put her to sleep and she wakes up in 20 minutes. It was awful for me when we first came home, a complete nightmare that I couldn’t escape. I used to get anxiety at night time because it was just me and Avianna, nobody else to help me and that made me wish for longer days.

While my life is in complete shambles I am trying to figure out what i’m going to do about my job. I either had to quit and be a stay at home because I just couldn’t afford daycare or do I some how try and keep my job. At this point I felt like I had the entire world on my back, I was scared that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to support my child financially the way that I want to. Once again, nobody in this world can help me with these type of problems so I talked to God and I had to give my problems to him. I had zero energy to worry about this anymore because it was taking over my life an then one day everything came together. My supervisor called me to check up on me and I was very upfront with the situation I was in and she was also very understanding. She told me to try my best to just get back once my maternity leave is over and once I do I can start looking for internal positions elsewhere that offers second and third shift so I didn’t have to pay for daycare. Luckily, my cousin was able to watch her for a couple months while I applied for other positions which I did. God was telling me not to give up and once I gave my problems to him he showed out for me – I applied for a position at the hospital and God willing, I got the position!!

I suffered postpartum depression pretty badly but nobody really knew besides the people close to me. The sad status, the sad snapchats, quotes, etc was my cry for help to the world but I was looking for help in the wrong place. I got to a point where I was willing to sacrifice it ALL because I thought my life was that bad when it was far from it. I continued to pray about it, I talked to God about it, and I also was more open about how depressed and sad I was to my friends/family which made my heart a lot lighter. Nobody helped me get out of that place but God, nobody saved me from doing something stupid but GOD I promise y’all. I had to truly change my entire mindset to get myself out of that dark place, I had to speak good things over my life but most importantly I had to keep God at the center of my life and I felt like the old me again.

I look at my daughter and I am just amazed at the unexplainable love I feel when our eyes lock. I can’t believe that I even had those negative thoughts but the devil was really at work. I’m glad I came to my senses and realized how blessed I am and that yes, my life is definitely different but it is a good different. God gave me a child to slow me down and to turn my life around, I truly believe that. I had a hard time accepting all of the changes that I was going through but I had to take things one day at a time because i’m only human. Once I started speaking positive things over my life, once I started to declare what was mine like a way out, my job, happiness, and peace…. I got just that all glory to God.

A lot of people think that postpartum is not real but it is and it should not be a light subject. So often I hear people taking their own life because of it and they call it the silent killer because usually nobody really knows when someone is diagnosed with PP. Take time to reach out to those moms and genuinely ask them how they are doing because I promise you it will make all of the difference.

God got me through and he made all of these things possible for me, I honestly can’t thank him enough. Prayer is such a powerful thing.

Peace and Love,

T.

The “baby daddy” situation

Ahh, a lot of people have been wondering about this one. LOL !!

If you read my previous blogs you would know that we were never dating, it was just more of good company and a situationship. We were hanging out for about 3 months and I got pregnant and everything after that became a complete shit show to be honest. It was such a tough situation to deal with, so tough that I wouldn’t wish it upon nobody in this world.

I still struggle with accepting the fact that I was so vulnerable and EASY, I was so quick to give myself to someone that I had nothing established with. Not only that but I knew I was just another girl he was messing with, I KNEW there were other girls involved and I still laid down with that man. The reason why I’m being so blunt about it even though a lot of people will probably ask WHY, HOW, or tell me I’m stupid but I truly had to accept the whole entire truth of this situation and understand that it is my fault that things happened the way they did. I had to be completely honest with myself because that’s the only way I was able to move forward from all of it.

Question that I get a lot: Why are you not trying to make your family work? 

Well here’s my thing, after praying so hard about this situation and every single time I tried to make something work God kept pulling me away. I now pay very close attention to the signs and I put action behind it because I refuse to make the same mistakes again. Family is about unconditional and genuine LOVE and I couldn’t get that with him which was completely OK with me. I accepted the fact that I would one day have a blended family of some sort and that was also okay with me because that’s just my reality. I’m not going to settle for a bad/toxic situation just because I have a child with him, my child will be okay. My mom is remarried to my step dad and he has never made me feel like a “step” child which must be tough but I never had to question the love, the love that my dad never gave me – it’s possible! Blended family works and it’s beautiful! I truly believe that God will bless me and Avianna with a loving man that will love me but also my daughter, a man that I deserve, a man that’s ready, and a man that follows God.

You guys are probably like but where’s the juicy stuff?? The drama?? HAHA! for the people that follow me on social media or maybe even him may have got bits and pieces but………

unfortunately due to legal reasons I can’t speak on details and speak on events that I truly want to speak on because it is apart of my story so for that I apologize. 😦

But I will say this … it’s kind of like watching a stranger play with your daughter or somebody you don’t even trust playing with your child and that sounds so damn dumb to say after I done laid down with him but there was a lot of things I did not know but it’s a start, it may be a sign of growth on both ends, I am trying.. Anyway – I pray for him and I pray over this situation every single day and night. I pray for peace and clarity over this entire thing for the sake of my child. I pray that God help him and guide him to be the best father he can be and that’s honestly all I can do.

With love and respect,

T.

Abortion?

So here I am knocked up by this guy that I’ve only been talking to for 3 months, so now what do I do? What are my options? I remember constantly thinking to myself “this can’t be life” I kept saying it over and over again. I brought him around my family a couple of times before I found out I was pregnant and my mom told me she didn’t have a good feeling about him, that I should stop seeing him and sleeping at his house but of course I didn’t listen. I had to outweigh all of my options at this point but there was only two that came to mind which was keep it or abort the child. I finally came clean and told my mom, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but it hurt me so bad to know that she was disappointed in me, I felt like I completely failed in life to know that my mom was so disappointed. More than ever I just wanted my mom to talk to me, be there for me, help me, but most importantly pray for me – I told her that I was highly considering getting an abortion which was very hard for me to do because we are a Christian and I didn’t want her to slap me in the face, thankfully she didn’t because she understood everything I was going through. My mom told me that she would support me with whatever decision I choose to go with but she didn’t waste no time to reassure me that as a Christian that is not the right thing to do and that’s not what we believe in. I didn’t have much time to make a decision because I was already so far along and everyday the seed is growing. After thinking long and hard about it I wasn’t ready to give up my life and settle with having to deal with him for the rest of my life so I called the abortion clinic, made my appointment, and that was that. For some reason after making that decision it didn’t feel right and it was hurting me, all I could do was cry for days and I would try to run to my friends and my sister as if they can make that decision for me. I remember I was so disturbed at work as it was the day before my abortion appointment and I had to log myself out, go into an empty room, and I got down on my knees – it was me and God at this point. All I could do was pray to him and let him know my struggles, to please guide me through this and show me which way to go. I set 3 abortion appointments and couldn’t get myself to make any of them and it wasn’t because of the cost, the protesters, or anybody else but I knew in my heart that I was going to keep this baby and I kept telling myself that God did this for a reason and I will not go against it.

 

I had to face the facts and face my truth, I did a very ungodly thing by having sex with a man that I wasn’t even with to begin with, a man that doesn’t love me, and a man I know I will never be with… I KNEW ALL OF THIS but still did it – why? I was vulnerable, dumb, and lonely. Sometimes you deal with temporary pain such as a heartbreak that will heal over time but then you can also get something permanent like a child. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not regret one thing because this is all apart of God’s plan although I was having a tough time understanding this at first, it’s not my child that was the consequence but more of the situation I am stuck in for life. The thought of having to deal with someone that you don’t even want to look at because you HAVE to for the sake of your child is a tough pill to swallow. After deciding that I was going to keep the baby my life was more at ease and I was able to breathe again, a calm feeling came over me because I just knew I was supposed to have this baby, God was telling me or else this wouldn’t have happened. I felt bipolar to be completely honest one minute I was happy with my decision then the next I was like WTF am I doing and how am I supposed to raise a child when I’m trying to grow up my damn self.

A wise man told me “Tarin, just know that if you keep this baby you have to remove you and him out of the picture because regardless of what he decides to do YOU have to care for this child 210% and it will always be YOU. Just prepare to be a single parent.”

That stuck with me my whole pregnancy because this wise man knew my situation very well and it made sense.

Questions that I get very often….

  • how did you get through pregnancy alone?
  • whats the situation with you and you baby daddy?
  • how do you keep sane?
  • How do you do it now?
  • Would you ever fix things to make a family again?

(will answer in next blog)

Again guys – these are my RAW thoughts and my story. In no way am I trying to shade nobody in any kind of way but it’s just MY truth and I will tell it.

Peace and Love,

T.