How my daughter saved me

My daughter is my saving grace and my main source of happiness because of her I am able to experience REAL, TRUE, AND GENUINE LOVE! 

Often times I reflect back on my life and I always wonder how my life would be if I didn’t have her and I can’t seem to find a good answer or even a good thought when it comes to that. Although it took me a long time to realize the good out of such a fast, scary, and unplanned situation I finally see the light in everything. Before when I first found out I had PPD I struggled so badly with having good thoughts when it came to my daughter, I had too many moments where I was dwelling on all of the bad and all I could think about was my old life, wanting that life back so badly. At one point I was drowning so badly that I couldn’t even look at my own daughter and be happy because I was that blind, my mind was so far gone at that point.  It took a lot to drag me out of that deep hole but with A LOT of prayer, guidance, and support from my family and friends I started to find my balance little by little. People say “if you change your way of thinking, it can change your life” which is such a true statement because that was exactly what happened with me, it had to happen but I will say this…. It wasn’t easy at all. 

Being a mom is the most attractive thing about me, I’m raising my child the best way I know how, I have a great job that I can honestly make a career out of, I am in school, I am a woman of God and have strong faith. If you ask me I’ve been holding it together pretty damn well!! It’s about time I acknowledge that myself and not let these negative people take that away from me. My daughter fulfills my life and she put so much together for me and I don’t think anybody will truly understand that. 

Sure I am a single mom and this is not the most ideal situation as people would say but what is an ideal situation? This will be different for everybody but I am still trying to figure that out and that’s okay. If it wasn’t for her I would still be out every single night drunk at every club downtown, having a job just to have one, walking around here with NO type of purpose. Once I found out I was pregnant my whole entire mindset changed for the better and I can’t thank God enough for trusting me with Avianna because she is a true gift from up above. My daughter gave me drive and she gave me purpose in this life, she also filled this void that I had in my  life and gave me this CRAZY motivation to do better in life. I became a very different person but at the same stayed the same, when I say different I mean in a good way, it was honestly almost like magic how things dramatically changed with me – I became better at decision making, I became much more responsible, I found it within myself to go back to school, I started to manage my finances better, and I started giving people/things in my life an expiration date which was something I struggled with very badly before because I just didn’t know how or I didn’t see a reason to. She pushed me to cut those toxic people out of my life because I didn’t want that for her and I didn’t want to be that settling example for her. It’s almost like she forces me to be happy, give off good energy, and spread love because that’s honestly what life is about.. it’s the cycle of life.

Before Avianna I was honestly so lost and I can’t say that enough, she forced me to grow up and be who I am today. I’ve never been so proud of myself, looking back on my life and seeing how far I came but to look forward is the more exciting part of it all. Being a mom isn’t easy period, it’s an everyday challenge and there’s no manual that I can go to for instructions or guidance on how to mother my child.

Avianna is my biggest blessing and my biggest accomplishment, I will allow her to always be my light. 

Love,

A single mother 

my life now….

I can’t really find one word to describe how my life is right now but it’s definitely busy and constant. I’m either at work, tending to school, or with my baby girl – you can only imagine what goes through my head all day and I actually say “my life is in shambles” at least 10x a day. HA! I have a lot on my plate and often times I start my day not really knowing how I am going to make it through. Some days I feel like I can take on the world and other days I feel like I have the whole entire world on my back and I question what I am doing. Just like everybody else I get drained and exhausted, sometimes life really does take a toll on me and I start to lose my faith, I also sometimes forget WHY I’m doing what I am doing. I feel as if so many people struggle with trying to figure out their “WHY” and also their purpose in life and that was actually me a year ago before I had my daughter but when I say she changed everything she truly did. 

My life now is busy but it’s better than it’s ever been and I can genuinely say that. God blessed me with something that not everybody has, this type of love that I can’t even begin to explain. It warms my heart everyday to know that I was worthy enough to be Avianna’s mommy. My days with her are sometimes hard and some are very easy going, once I feel like I mastered something another thing comes up that I have to some how figure out. I realized that it’s going to be trial and error because certain things work and sometimes you have to try many things to see what really works which can be frustrating.

Trying to find a balance…… 

It’s so hard to try and find that balance between being a mother, a student, a full time employee, and also trying to find some time for myself. I find myself wishing days were longer so I can fit everything in but it doesn’t always happen like that, well it never happens like that actually. I had to just accept that I am not always going to have time for everything and that’s okay, some days I fall short but overall I always manage to get the job done. I don’t think there really is a balance, I think you just do what you’re supposed to do and everything will turn out fine but just like everything in life things will get difficult and you will get frustrated but in time I’ve learned how to deal with those down times much better.

My life now is honestly great, it’s also very tough but overall so rewarding. When I look at my daughter I can’t help but get emotional because I DID THAT, I survived the 9 months of pregnancy, I survived that c section and recovery, and I am doing everything necessary to make sure she has a great life and also paving the way for my little girl… setting that example. 

I decided to share some pictures (from my pregnancy to now) 

There’s truly beauty in every struggle…. 

with love,

T.