God will restore

Last year around this time and many times before I felt as if my life was over, I felt like I was in a constant battle with myself and I could never win no matter how hard I tried. So often I felt depressed and I just couldn’t see that light at the end of the tunnel like everybody else could. I remember myself trying to blame others for my decisions or getting angry at God for not giving me the life that I want and I kept hitting a wall literally, at this point I just knew something had to change, actually A LOT had to change in order for me to turn things around. I’ve realized quick that I am the reason my life was that way and only I had the power to change it, I kept telling myself that over and over again until I truly understood that it was my fault. I started to really dig and think about what I can do to fix it and make me feel better about myself and my life, I came to the conclusion that I could start by getting rid of pointless “situationships” giving myself to people that don’t deserve me, my surroundings was a huge one as well, and I wanted to get closer to God. I know deep in my heart that God is more than capable of giving me a life that I want but I have to want that for myself, I have to believe that and speak good things over my life. I started setting small goals for myself and I failed really bad at the beginning of this because I just did it, did it because I felt like it was the right thing to do. Everyday we face another trial and another battle but I got more confident that I was going to get through, and my answer to just about everything is God. If I start to worry about how I’m going to get through something or handle something I look up to God and ask him to guide me and he does every single time. 

I truly want to THANK everybody that hurt me, lied to me, made me cry, cheated on me, turned their back on me, left me, didn’t choose me, and so on….. 

If it wasn’t for y’all I wouldn’t be where I am today so thank you for that experience because I now take them all as a lesson. Every single situation I encounter in life I make sure to take something from it and I make sure it’s something positive. I can honestly truly say that I am so much wiser now and I make smarter decisions, I grew up and I’m better. Before I really didn’t know how to be alone, I felt like I always had to be in a situation/relation with someone or out in the fast life until I truly took the time to myself and learned that I know how to be alone, I went months and months without being involved with no-one at all like AT ALL. After the life changing experience that happened to me with the birth of my child and my child’s father, I had to find myself and piece myself back together. That whole situation had me in such  dark place to the point where I felt like I wasn’t going to make it out but I used God as my light and he guided me out. Now I look back on everything in a different perspective, I truly see why things happened the way they did. 

Just when I thought my life was over God was there to save me, he saved me from my own thoughts. When I thought it was impossible to get out of certain situations he found a way for me to do so, all I had to do was pay attention to the signs and follow accordingly. God was there the whole entire time and I didn’t even realize it, every day I pray for peace and clarity. My point is – don’t ever feel like you can’t because you can and if you did all that you can do then God will do what you can’t. Often times we go into situations really blinded and we get our minds all twisted because we’re trying to figure it all out on our own (me everyday of my life) but we forget that some situations we just have no control over, sometimes you have to let it go and give it all to God, see this is where your faith kicks in. The battle may be big or it may be small but regardless we always have that option to ask him to guide us through and he surely will. I felt like I was broken, I lost myself, and so down to where I felt like getting up was impossible but nope that’s not what God wants for me. 

I’ve been so good at paying attention to the signs that God gives me on a daily basis. Even though I am a single mother, I don’t have the ideal family, I’m tired all of the time, and I don’t have much time to myself I’ve realized that I’m happier than I’ve ever been. THIS IS MY LIFE AND I LOVE IT!!!! God restored me, those bad trials happened to me because I had to get through them to get to this point. Everything I do I do with purpose behind it and that’s what counts day in and day out, that’s the difference. Sure I still have many things that I struggle with, like me having to go to court in March for example at first I couldn’t sleep because I was up thinking about it and trying to make a plan but quickly realized I can’t fight this battle on my own, I told myself that I won’t let this consume my life and I am going to give it to God because I’ve been the best ME I can be and I’ve done all I can do so it’s his turn. I have to remember that it’s his plan over mine but I let him know my struggles, my worries and my concerns – it’s something I pray on non stop because this is reality and it’s happening  but God knows best and he already has a plan, I will trust that over the result I think is right. He knows my heart and I will forever keep my faith in him no matter how hard these life situations get.

 

Don’t give up on God because he won’t give up on you….

 

God will restore!!!!!

 

With love,

T.

To all of my single moms

Regardless of what your situation is and how you became a single mom or if you started off as one . . . . 

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK !!!!!! 

It took me a long time to realize that I can’t be so hard on myself, especially when it’s only me 24/7 to do everything necessary for my baby girl. I realized that I will always feel down if I don’t ever stop and appreciate things for what they are in that moment. I had this bad habit of picking on myself, I would sit there and think about all of the things that I may be doing wrong or if I’m doing enough in my life for me and my daughter when in reality I am doing the best that I can which I know but sometimes I can’t give myself credit. It’s truly trial and error but everyday I get better and better with it. 

So here’s my message – 

Don’t be too hard only yourself because you are doing an amazing job. It’s not easy trying to take care of a child, not mentally, not physically, and definitely not financially. We get no breaks because when our babies are ready to play we have to play, when they want to eat we have to feed them, and when they sleep half of the time we can’t shut down to sleep with them. I want you all to put your trust and faith into God because that’s who got me through, when I felt like I was alone and broken he restored me again. We have a very hard job but in order to take care of our little one we have to take care of ourselves first and put ourselves in the best position possible to care for out them, it’s necessary. Often times we get down because we feel like we are not doing enough when we are doing above and beyond that! No matter how hard things get please don’t ever give up because things will get better and it may take time but they will. Once you start taking care of business, things will fall into place and you won’t even realize it. I also know that as a mom we struggle with many different things but just know that it’s OKAY to give yourself a break, to go have some time to yourself because we all need it. Often times we feel left out of the world because we have a big job and it may seem like life is passing us by but it’s not, life is right there with your baby and you have to find beauty in that. I see y’all, I hear y’all, and I’m with y’all…. everyday we face a new battle and a new struggle but that’s what makes us so strong. We are truly built for this because if we weren’t, God wouldn’t put us in this position in first place so remember that where he guide he will always provide. Sure we don’t have the freedom like we used to because our hands are so tied but look at your baby and tell me that the amount of love and joy that fills your heart isn’t the most amazing thing ever. Don’t ever give up because you can do this, mama! 

10 toes down, chin up. 

with love,

T.

my life now….

I can’t really find one word to describe how my life is right now but it’s definitely busy and constant. I’m either at work, tending to school, or with my baby girl – you can only imagine what goes through my head all day and I actually say “my life is in shambles” at least 10x a day. HA! I have a lot on my plate and often times I start my day not really knowing how I am going to make it through. Some days I feel like I can take on the world and other days I feel like I have the whole entire world on my back and I question what I am doing. Just like everybody else I get drained and exhausted, sometimes life really does take a toll on me and I start to lose my faith, I also sometimes forget WHY I’m doing what I am doing. I feel as if so many people struggle with trying to figure out their “WHY” and also their purpose in life and that was actually me a year ago before I had my daughter but when I say she changed everything she truly did. 

My life now is busy but it’s better than it’s ever been and I can genuinely say that. God blessed me with something that not everybody has, this type of love that I can’t even begin to explain. It warms my heart everyday to know that I was worthy enough to be Avianna’s mommy. My days with her are sometimes hard and some are very easy going, once I feel like I mastered something another thing comes up that I have to some how figure out. I realized that it’s going to be trial and error because certain things work and sometimes you have to try many things to see what really works which can be frustrating.

Trying to find a balance…… 

It’s so hard to try and find that balance between being a mother, a student, a full time employee, and also trying to find some time for myself. I find myself wishing days were longer so I can fit everything in but it doesn’t always happen like that, well it never happens like that actually. I had to just accept that I am not always going to have time for everything and that’s okay, some days I fall short but overall I always manage to get the job done. I don’t think there really is a balance, I think you just do what you’re supposed to do and everything will turn out fine but just like everything in life things will get difficult and you will get frustrated but in time I’ve learned how to deal with those down times much better.

My life now is honestly great, it’s also very tough but overall so rewarding. When I look at my daughter I can’t help but get emotional because I DID THAT, I survived the 9 months of pregnancy, I survived that c section and recovery, and I am doing everything necessary to make sure she has a great life and also paving the way for my little girl… setting that example. 

I decided to share some pictures (from my pregnancy to now) 

There’s truly beauty in every struggle…. 

with love,

T. 

How I overcame postpartum depression

At the beginning of all of this, I felt lonely and alone more than I ever did in my entire life. I kept feeling like there was this void missing and nothing was filling it for me but the thought of my baby girl did. I was still trying to accept the fact that I wasn’t going to have the perfect little family and I was also struggling to find happiness within myself. It was an everyday battle with my mind/thoughts and trying to overcome that wasn’t easy at all. Everyday came a new fight, a new hurdle to overcome and the ONLY way I got through was because of God, he heard me crying out to him. Getting through my pregnancy was actually the easy part, although there were many challenges I faced everyday I was still able to find the strength to get through, I was still able to recognize my blessing and carry on. Often times I felt very bipolar and it was a struggle to keep a positive mindset because it would change every 5 minutes LITERALLY.

After I had my baby is when everything really hit me HARD. When I was I pregnant I obviously knew that my life was going to change but man… nobody prepared me for this. The emotions that I was feeling everyday was just insane and I couldn’t control it this time around. I was in recovery mode and it made me so sad that I couldn’t care for my child the way that I wanted to. I had to sacrifice many trips with my friends because I wasn’t able to just get up and go anymore which I knew while I was pregnant but when the time came and I had to actually cancel my ticket (no refund back), tell my friends that I can’t go anymore, and then sit back and watch them was so depressing. To watch everybody life around me go on while I felt like my life just stopped  was a terrible feeling. I remember when I first came home with her, I just looked at her with this blank face because I felt like it was her fault that my life was like this and she was the reason that I feel this sad and mad! I knew this wasn’t good so I continued to pray to God, to please get me out of this dark place because when you’re in a dark place and can’t get out… the story doesn’t end too well. I remember filling out those postpartum questionaries that the doctor would give me at every appointment and my answers were very honest but I failed, I was most definitely diagnosed with postpartum depression. I called on God first and I made sure I continued to keep him at the center of my life, but I also tried to seek professional help with a therapist to see if that would help but I kept missing the appointments because my life was in complete shambles. MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE CHANGED and I did not know what to do with myself, everyday I realized another thing that I just could not do anymore.

My mind was so clogged up with negativity that it was in the way of the blessing that I had with me everyday which was my daughter. I talked to God everyday to help me because I want to be the best mother that I can be to my little girl. I remember I used to cry when Avianna cried, I remember crying because my incision hurt so bad, I remember crying because she wouldn’t sleep, I remember crying when it took hard work to put her to sleep and she wakes up in 20 minutes. It was awful for me when we first came home, a complete nightmare that I couldn’t escape. I used to get anxiety at night time because it was just me and Avianna, nobody else to help me and that made me wish for longer days.

While my life is in complete shambles I am trying to figure out what i’m going to do about my job. I either had to quit and be a stay at home because I just couldn’t afford daycare or do I some how try and keep my job. At this point I felt like I had the entire world on my back, I was scared that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to support my child financially the way that I want to. Once again, nobody in this world can help me with these type of problems so I talked to God and I had to give my problems to him. I had zero energy to worry about this anymore because it was taking over my life an then one day everything came together. My supervisor called me to check up on me and I was very upfront with the situation I was in and she was also very understanding. She told me to try my best to just get back once my maternity leave is over and once I do I can start looking for internal positions elsewhere that offers second and third shift so I didn’t have to pay for daycare. Luckily, my cousin was able to watch her for a couple months while I applied for other positions which I did. God was telling me not to give up and once I gave my problems to him he showed out for me – I applied for a position at the hospital and God willing, I got the position!!

I suffered postpartum depression pretty badly but nobody really knew besides the people close to me. The sad status, the sad snapchats, quotes, etc was my cry for help to the world but I was looking for help in the wrong place. I got to a point where I was willing to sacrifice it ALL because I thought my life was that bad when it was far from it. I continued to pray about it, I talked to God about it, and I also was more open about how depressed and sad I was to my friends/family which made my heart a lot lighter. Nobody helped me get out of that place but God, nobody saved me from doing something stupid but GOD I promise y’all. I had to truly change my entire mindset to get myself out of that dark place, I had to speak good things over my life but most importantly I had to keep God at the center of my life and I felt like the old me again.

I look at my daughter and I am just amazed at the unexplainable love I feel when our eyes lock. I can’t believe that I even had those negative thoughts but the devil was really at work. I’m glad I came to my senses and realized how blessed I am and that yes, my life is definitely different but it is a good different. God gave me a child to slow me down and to turn my life around, I truly believe that. I had a hard time accepting all of the changes that I was going through but I had to take things one day at a time because i’m only human. Once I started speaking positive things over my life, once I started to declare what was mine like a way out, my job, happiness, and peace…. I got just that all glory to God.

A lot of people think that postpartum is not real but it is and it should not be a light subject. So often I hear people taking their own life because of it and they call it the silent killer because usually nobody really knows when someone is diagnosed with PP. Take time to reach out to those moms and genuinely ask them how they are doing because I promise you it will make all of the difference.

God got me through and he made all of these things possible for me, I honestly can’t thank him enough. Prayer is such a powerful thing.

Peace and Love,

T.

The “baby daddy” situation

Ahh, a lot of people have been wondering about this one. LOL !!

If you read my previous blogs you would know that we were never dating, it was just more of good company and a situationship. We were hanging out for about 3 months and I got pregnant and everything after that became a complete shit show to be honest. It was such a tough situation to deal with, so tough that I wouldn’t wish it upon nobody in this world.

I still struggle with accepting the fact that I was so vulnerable and EASY, I was so quick to give myself to someone that I had nothing established with. Not only that but I knew I was just another girl he was messing with, I KNEW there were other girls involved and I still laid down with that man. The reason why I’m being so blunt about it even though a lot of people will probably ask WHY, HOW, or tell me I’m stupid but I truly had to accept the whole entire truth of this situation and understand that it is my fault that things happened the way they did. I had to be completely honest with myself because that’s the only way I was able to move forward from all of it.

Question that I get a lot: Why are you not trying to make your family work? 

Well here’s my thing, after praying so hard about this situation and every single time I tried to make something work God kept pulling me away. I now pay very close attention to the signs and I put action behind it because I refuse to make the same mistakes again. Family is about unconditional and genuine LOVE and I couldn’t get that with him which was completely OK with me. I accepted the fact that I would one day have a blended family of some sort and that was also okay with me because that’s just my reality. I’m not going to settle for a bad/toxic situation just because I have a child with him, my child will be okay. My mom is remarried to my step dad and he has never made me feel like a “step” child which must be tough but I never had to question the love, the love that my dad never gave me – it’s possible! Blended family works and it’s beautiful! I truly believe that God will bless me and Avianna with a loving man that will love me but also my daughter, a man that I deserve, a man that’s ready, and a man that follows God.

You guys are probably like but where’s the juicy stuff?? The drama?? HAHA! for the people that follow me on social media or maybe even him may have got bits and pieces but………

unfortunately due to legal reasons I can’t speak on details and speak on events that I truly want to speak on because it is apart of my story so for that I apologize. 😦

But I will say this … it’s kind of like watching a stranger play with your daughter or somebody you don’t even trust playing with your child and that sounds so damn dumb to say after I done laid down with him but there was a lot of things I did not know but it’s a start, it may be a sign of growth on both ends, I am trying.. Anyway – I pray for him and I pray over this situation every single day and night. I pray for peace and clarity over this entire thing for the sake of my child. I pray that God help him and guide him to be the best father he can be and that’s honestly all I can do.

With love and respect,

T.

Things I realized and had to accept…

  • God is in total control of my life
  • No matter what I do, I do not have the ability to change people
  • I am now having a child by a man that I don’t even get along with or love (this is permanent!!)
  • This is my reality
  • I did a very ungodly thing and this is dysfunctional situation is my consequence
  • Even though I’m pregnant, I’m still a human being and I still deserve the good things in life
  • I can’t stress
  • HAPPINESS IS STILL IMPORTANT
  • I’m going to have a little baby that’s going to look up to me for everything
  • My friends and family are all I need to get me through this tough time
  • I can’t stop praying
  • I have to change my act around to be the best role model for my child
  • I’m not alone in this

I had to realize that even though my situation was messed up and just not ideal at all I still deserve happiness and love. I wasn’t going to settle with someone just because I had a child with him. I think that’s where a lot of people tend to get stuck, they feel as if they’re obligated to just settle but no… I wasn’t going to put myself through that and God kept telling me to go the other way.

One important thing that I’ve realized is that NO MATTER WHAT the other person is doing, regardless if he is there 2% or 100% I will ALWAYS have to be there for my child 210%. I also had to realize and accept that it’s always going to be ME and nobody else at the end of each day. When it’s all said and done, everything will always fall back on me when it comes to my child.

“Sometimes the harm is temporary, as in a bad breakup that’s painful for  few weeks but survivable. Other times the damage is permanent, such as when quick decisions results in disease, depression, or an unplanned pregnancy that changes the course of your life forever.”

I was living that carefree life thinking nothing this crazy and damaging would happen to me. My baby is now 4 months and I still go through it and it all could’ve waited honestly and truly – not that I regret anything but now I am tied to someone that I don’t trust, don’t care for, and barely get along with.

Everything happens for a reason and this is God’s plan for me – I trust it 110%. Keeping the faith.

Peace and Love,

T.