At the beginning of all of this, I felt lonely and alone more than I ever did in my entire life. I kept feeling like there was this void missing and nothing was filling it for me but the thought of my baby girl did. I was still trying to accept the fact that I wasn’t going to have the perfect little family and I was also struggling to find happiness within myself. It was an everyday battle with my mind/thoughts and trying to overcome that wasn’t easy at all. Everyday came a new fight, a new hurdle to overcome and the ONLY way I got through was because of God, he heard me crying out to him. Getting through my pregnancy was actually the easy part, although there were many challenges I faced everyday I was still able to find the strength to get through, I was still able to recognize my blessing and carry on. Often times I felt very bipolar and it was a struggle to keep a positive mindset because it would change every 5 minutes LITERALLY.
After I had my baby is when everything really hit me HARD. When I was I pregnant I obviously knew that my life was going to change but man… nobody prepared me for this. The emotions that I was feeling everyday was just insane and I couldn’t control it this time around. I was in recovery mode and it made me so sad that I couldn’t care for my child the way that I wanted to. I had to sacrifice many trips with my friends because I wasn’t able to just get up and go anymore which I knew while I was pregnant but when the time came and I had to actually cancel my ticket (no refund back), tell my friends that I can’t go anymore, and then sit back and watch them was so depressing. To watch everybody life around me go on while I felt like my life just stopped was a terrible feeling. I remember when I first came home with her, I just looked at her with this blank face because I felt like it was her fault that my life was like this and she was the reason that I feel this sad and mad! I knew this wasn’t good so I continued to pray to God, to please get me out of this dark place because when you’re in a dark place and can’t get out… the story doesn’t end too well. I remember filling out those postpartum questionaries that the doctor would give me at every appointment and my answers were very honest but I failed, I was most definitely diagnosed with postpartum depression. I called on God first and I made sure I continued to keep him at the center of my life, but I also tried to seek professional help with a therapist to see if that would help but I kept missing the appointments because my life was in complete shambles. MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE CHANGED and I did not know what to do with myself, everyday I realized another thing that I just could not do anymore.
My mind was so clogged up with negativity that it was in the way of the blessing that I had with me everyday which was my daughter. I talked to God everyday to help me because I want to be the best mother that I can be to my little girl. I remember I used to cry when Avianna cried, I remember crying because my incision hurt so bad, I remember crying because she wouldn’t sleep, I remember crying when it took hard work to put her to sleep and she wakes up in 20 minutes. It was awful for me when we first came home, a complete nightmare that I couldn’t escape. I used to get anxiety at night time because it was just me and Avianna, nobody else to help me and that made me wish for longer days.
While my life is in complete shambles I am trying to figure out what i’m going to do about my job. I either had to quit and be a stay at home because I just couldn’t afford daycare or do I some how try and keep my job. At this point I felt like I had the entire world on my back, I was scared that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to support my child financially the way that I want to. Once again, nobody in this world can help me with these type of problems so I talked to God and I had to give my problems to him. I had zero energy to worry about this anymore because it was taking over my life an then one day everything came together. My supervisor called me to check up on me and I was very upfront with the situation I was in and she was also very understanding. She told me to try my best to just get back once my maternity leave is over and once I do I can start looking for internal positions elsewhere that offers second and third shift so I didn’t have to pay for daycare. Luckily, my cousin was able to watch her for a couple months while I applied for other positions which I did. God was telling me not to give up and once I gave my problems to him he showed out for me – I applied for a position at the hospital and God willing, I got the position!!
I suffered postpartum depression pretty badly but nobody really knew besides the people close to me. The sad status, the sad snapchats, quotes, etc was my cry for help to the world but I was looking for help in the wrong place. I got to a point where I was willing to sacrifice it ALL because I thought my life was that bad when it was far from it. I continued to pray about it, I talked to God about it, and I also was more open about how depressed and sad I was to my friends/family which made my heart a lot lighter. Nobody helped me get out of that place but God, nobody saved me from doing something stupid but GOD I promise y’all. I had to truly change my entire mindset to get myself out of that dark place, I had to speak good things over my life but most importantly I had to keep God at the center of my life and I felt like the old me again.
I look at my daughter and I am just amazed at the unexplainable love I feel when our eyes lock. I can’t believe that I even had those negative thoughts but the devil was really at work. I’m glad I came to my senses and realized how blessed I am and that yes, my life is definitely different but it is a good different. God gave me a child to slow me down and to turn my life around, I truly believe that. I had a hard time accepting all of the changes that I was going through but I had to take things one day at a time because i’m only human. Once I started speaking positive things over my life, once I started to declare what was mine like a way out, my job, happiness, and peace…. I got just that all glory to God.
A lot of people think that postpartum is not real but it is and it should not be a light subject. So often I hear people taking their own life because of it and they call it the silent killer because usually nobody really knows when someone is diagnosed with PP. Take time to reach out to those moms and genuinely ask them how they are doing because I promise you it will make all of the difference.
God got me through and he made all of these things possible for me, I honestly can’t thank him enough. Prayer is such a powerful thing.
Peace and Love,