Today was a good day!!

Do you ever go to sleep with so much on your mind that you wish it was possible to just get things done by thinking about it? Yeah, that’s me. I have the hardest time shutting down because I’m thinking of a list of things that I have to get done the next day (it’s always a list) or how I’m going to make it through the week. 

Today though….. today was great! Me and Avianna got good sleep, I got up at about 10:45 and turned on the TV for her to watch and also so we could be lazy for about 15 minutes. We got up and I fed her baby food and milk, gave her a bath and she fell asleep right away in my arms.  It was honestly perfect because I actually had time to get ready and take a much longer shower, I took my precious time to do my make up and hair, and then she woke up right when I was loading up the car so it was perfect. Usually my mornings/afternoons are a complete shit show because I don’t know what Avianna’s schedule is or how she’s going to be like when we get up, sometimes I can’t even shower, or put my eyebrows on because she’s fussy or just wants to be held. 

It’s hard when it’s just me at home and I don’t really have a extra hand but every single day when I drop her off before I go to work I feel so accomplished, I feel good about what I do even though it’s tough and frustrating. Some days are so hard to the point where I want to cry and just give up but when I look at her it’s a constant reminder that I have to keep going and giving up is not an option. 

Being a mom is so rewarding and it’s the best thing that I got going on in my life. 

Keep going, Keep pushing, Keep moving. In the mist of it all, remember why you’re doing what you’re doing… your purpose and your WHY.

 

So when Avianna woke up from her nap today, I picked her up and snapped a picture of us that turned out pretty decent. Literally on our way out of the door!! 

babygirl

Peace and Love,

 

T. 

Celibacy

SEX SEX SEX, EVERYBODY JUST LOVES TO HAVE SEX!!! HA… until shit hits the fan. 

I wish I would’ve practiced this a long time ago but hey, everything happens for a reason that’s why we have that option to learn from our lessons. Don’t you get tired of the pointless situationships? the guys that just want sex from you or you just wanting sex out of them? having sex with guys that don’t love you? going the extra mile for someone that didn’t belong to you? Yeah! I mean that stuff was getting old, I’m not scared to admit that I did go through that phase of just wanting to have “fun” and being careless because why not? Just until I started to realized I was getting emotionally attached to men that didn’t want nothing with me outside of a sexual relationship, I was lonely and oh so vulnerable so I just went with it up until I got pregnant (shit hitting the fan). 

I always knew in the back of my mind that I could never find a man to commit to me doing what I was doing and living how I was living. The life I lived attracted the right kind of men into my life and I just knew I had to switch things up because like I said before, it all got old and played it. Now don’t think I was just out here messing with everybody and their daddy because that wasn’t the case at all. I always have this battle with my mind, it’s like I know these guys don’t want a relationship with me, I know this man is involved with other people so WHY???? well because I was lonely, I was emotionally attached, I was vulnerable, and honestly stupid. I’m a smart girl but for some reason the bad things always overrule what I really know and that’s because I wasn’t putting God first, I didn’t value myself, and I didn’t know what I was worth. Once you have those things in order life becomes much easier and you feel like nobody can touch you (they literally can’t). 

Shortly into my pregnancy I’ve decided that I was going to practice celibacy and getting closer to God was already a goal of mine from before. Now mind you, I was pregnant and my hormones were off the chain, I was like horny ALLLLLLL of the time but couldn’t do much about it because what I valued and what I want for myself have to come first this time around. For some odd reason guys REALLY wanted to have sex with me and would be so blunt about it because I was pregnant which I thought was so weird and awkward. I got really picky with who I gave my time to and who I let into my life, although it took some time to get to this point I’m still learning but I’m much better than I was a year ago. 

The real reason…….. I’m honestly just traumatized!!!! From pregnancy, having a child with a man that I don’t love, this court mess, and having that connection to someone you don’t care for FOREVER – y’all hear me… I AM TRAUMATIZED!!! The whole situation made me better because I definitely didn’t let it make me bitter. I came out so wise and if this didn’t happen, I probably never would’ve changed my life around for the better (LOOK AT GOD!!). The next person I lay down with will be the man that I am married to, I refuse to do what I used to do. 

Sure I get tempted, sometimes I just wanna call up a guy and flirt, hang out, and do the nasty and be done with it but where will that get me? Nowhere, it’s just all a temporary feeling… I don’t want temporary. I’ll end up feeling like crap right after it all happens then I’m going to ask God to forgive me for something I shouldn’t have done in the first place and I knew that. I don’t want a sexual relationship because I am worth more than that, I deserve more than just that, and I am above that. When you lay down with these random men that you know are involved with other people, how does that truly make you feel? like shit probably and that’s when you have to stop yourself. 

When I told people I was going this route everybody laughed at me literally and they also said “well, it’s clearly too late for that” – yeah, no, I definitely didn’t let that clog up my mind because I knew I was going the way that God wants me to go. It’s never too late for a new beginning, it’s never too late to make the necessary changes to make YOUR life better, and by knowing that it got me far. This goes back to what I was saying in my previous blog, you have to speak things into existence but also speak nothing but good things over your life and God will make it happen for you but meet him. 

I feel so light and I’m so happy with myself, although there’s still so much room for growth but to know that each day I’m going in the path towards the life that I truly want is a great feeling. I am a mother first and foremost but I will be a wife one day, this life that we live, it cycles all around..

Not telling nobody to change their ways or nothing like that but life gets real and sometimes it’s not just all about fun. You truly have to find yourself, build on that, and hold onto your values. Learn how to be more careful with who you let into your life, separate the lifetime people from the seasonal people. 

My message: Don’t ever settle, life is definitely too short to be in a unhappy situation. Don’t ever feel like you are stuck because you’re not, in life we all have choices……

I CHOOSE GOD

I CHOOSE ME

I CHOOSE VALUES

I CHOOSE HAPPINESS

I CHOOSE PEACE

I CHOOSE LOVE

 

T. 

God will restore

Last year around this time and many times before I felt as if my life was over, I felt like I was in a constant battle with myself and I could never win no matter how hard I tried. So often I felt depressed and I just couldn’t see that light at the end of the tunnel like everybody else could. I remember myself trying to blame others for my decisions or getting angry at God for not giving me the life that I want and I kept hitting a wall literally, at this point I just knew something had to change, actually A LOT had to change in order for me to turn things around. I’ve realized quick that I am the reason my life was that way and only I had the power to change it, I kept telling myself that over and over again until I truly understood that it was my fault. I started to really dig and think about what I can do to fix it and make me feel better about myself and my life, I came to the conclusion that I could start by getting rid of pointless “situationships” giving myself to people that don’t deserve me, my surroundings was a huge one as well, and I wanted to get closer to God. I know deep in my heart that God is more than capable of giving me a life that I want but I have to want that for myself, I have to believe that and speak good things over my life. I started setting small goals for myself and I failed really bad at the beginning of this because I just did it, did it because I felt like it was the right thing to do. Everyday we face another trial and another battle but I got more confident that I was going to get through, and my answer to just about everything is God. If I start to worry about how I’m going to get through something or handle something I look up to God and ask him to guide me and he does every single time. 

I truly want to THANK everybody that hurt me, lied to me, made me cry, cheated on me, turned their back on me, left me, didn’t choose me, and so on….. 

If it wasn’t for y’all I wouldn’t be where I am today so thank you for that experience because I now take them all as a lesson. Every single situation I encounter in life I make sure to take something from it and I make sure it’s something positive. I can honestly truly say that I am so much wiser now and I make smarter decisions, I grew up and I’m better. Before I really didn’t know how to be alone, I felt like I always had to be in a situation/relation with someone or out in the fast life until I truly took the time to myself and learned that I know how to be alone, I went months and months without being involved with no-one at all like AT ALL. After the life changing experience that happened to me with the birth of my child and my child’s father, I had to find myself and piece myself back together. That whole situation had me in such  dark place to the point where I felt like I wasn’t going to make it out but I used God as my light and he guided me out. Now I look back on everything in a different perspective, I truly see why things happened the way they did. 

Just when I thought my life was over God was there to save me, he saved me from my own thoughts. When I thought it was impossible to get out of certain situations he found a way for me to do so, all I had to do was pay attention to the signs and follow accordingly. God was there the whole entire time and I didn’t even realize it, every day I pray for peace and clarity. My point is – don’t ever feel like you can’t because you can and if you did all that you can do then God will do what you can’t. Often times we go into situations really blinded and we get our minds all twisted because we’re trying to figure it all out on our own (me everyday of my life) but we forget that some situations we just have no control over, sometimes you have to let it go and give it all to God, see this is where your faith kicks in. The battle may be big or it may be small but regardless we always have that option to ask him to guide us through and he surely will. I felt like I was broken, I lost myself, and so down to where I felt like getting up was impossible but nope that’s not what God wants for me. 

I’ve been so good at paying attention to the signs that God gives me on a daily basis. Even though I am a single mother, I don’t have the ideal family, I’m tired all of the time, and I don’t have much time to myself I’ve realized that I’m happier than I’ve ever been. THIS IS MY LIFE AND I LOVE IT!!!! God restored me, those bad trials happened to me because I had to get through them to get to this point. Everything I do I do with purpose behind it and that’s what counts day in and day out, that’s the difference. Sure I still have many things that I struggle with, like me having to go to court in March for example at first I couldn’t sleep because I was up thinking about it and trying to make a plan but quickly realized I can’t fight this battle on my own, I told myself that I won’t let this consume my life and I am going to give it to God because I’ve been the best ME I can be and I’ve done all I can do so it’s his turn. I have to remember that it’s his plan over mine but I let him know my struggles, my worries and my concerns – it’s something I pray on non stop because this is reality and it’s happening  but God knows best and he already has a plan, I will trust that over the result I think is right. He knows my heart and I will forever keep my faith in him no matter how hard these life situations get.

 

Don’t give up on God because he won’t give up on you….

 

God will restore!!!!!

 

With love,

T.

A letter to my village

I was always told that it takes a village……..

I never understood the meaning of that statement until I had Avianna and now I totally get it. I have a village and I had one every since I found out I was pregnant and made the decision to keep my baby, they’ve been there since day one and I can’t thank them enough. Without them I would not be able to be the mother that I am today and sometimes when I think about the support system I have I get emotional because I don’t know what I would do without them, truly. From when I was recovering from my surgery, trying to get back to work, figuring out daycare, and so much more MY VILLAGE helped me overcome everything, helped me when I fell short. It’s the little things that truly means a lot to me like when they watch her while I eat, shower, run to get food, or whatever the case may be. Without them I wouldn’t be able to keep a clear head or even manage to do this single mom thing because on a daily basis they make things happen for me, they make it possible for me to go work and focus on school so I can build a life for my daughter. My village takes on a pretty big responsibility as they watch her while I’m at work and they also watch her on my days off so I can sleep in. I’ve realized that not everybody has a village let alone a support system to help you with your child, I’m so thankful for the work that they put in for me and Avianna every single day. When I say that she is surrounded by so much love I truly mean that and I can’t wait for her to see it all. They honestly make my life easier although I still face many challenges, they help keep my head on the right track and that was always the case before I had my baby. My village started with the man above and he laid everything out for me and Avianna, he blessed us with so much love and help to keep us going every single day. 

I remember always asking God how I am going to make it on my own trying to raise a child but also try and give her the best life possible but my family was the answer to that. No blog post long enough would ever be enough and all  I can do is thank God for them and pray that they know and see how much I truly appreciate every single one of them. It’s family first always!!!!

With Love, 

T. 

 

The “pregnant” friend

HA! Yeah never though it would be me but here I am.

I just want to start off by saying that I have solid friends and by solid, I mean solid. When I first told them I was pregnant I had  all of their support 210% and that gave me so much comfort. As my pregnancy went on things were fine because I was still able to move around with them, I even went to the club with my best friend when I was pregnant. They were always so good at asking me if I needed anything and I could share all of the bad and good things about pregnancy, they’d always listen. I remember when they helped me throw my baby shower and they stuck around for every single thing, I appreciate them never counting me out just because I was pregnant. My best friend and I work in the same building and I remember her always bringing me ice-cream, food, and whatever it was that I needed or just wanted, my supervisor never went a day without telling me how lucky I was to have her – she spoiled me! When I went through the really tough times they were there to listen to all of my problems and emotions. I probably caused them a lot of stress because I was so damn stressed out at times, it was almost like the problems were never ending but they never made me feel bad for talking about the same things over and over again. The day I first checked myself into the hospital thinking I was going into labor I called Dejhaunna right away to let her know, not knowing it was going to be a two day process to get my baby out. My two friends came to the hospital as the other one was still living in Chicago at the time, but they kept me company alongside my family. Day 2 of having contractions like CRAZY, at this point I have a really bad fever and I’m shaking because I was sick and super cold; my midwife came in the room and told me that I had to get an emergency c-section because I had a bad fever and my baby’s heart rate was dropping – I instantly started to cry along with everybody else in the room with me. It was such an emotional moment for me because that was the last thing I wanted to do but it was no longer in my hands, the first thing we did was pray, we had to pray over this major surgery and that I make it out healthy along with a healthy baby girl. After my surgery my family had to go home because they needed to shower and do other things but my friends stayed, they even went to go get me chips and Mountain Dew right after my surgery. HAHA! 

Once I brought Avianna home I knew right then and there that my life was going to change forever and I have to be ready for it but how can you prepare for something like that? Well you can’t, I just had to take it day by day and hope that I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I got postpartum depression REALLY bad because I had the hardest time accepting that my life was going to be different. It sucked so badly to see my friends out traveling, partying, etc without me and I couldn’t shake that feeling for nothing – at one point I even unfollowed them on Snapchat because I didn’t want to see it anymore. I ended up getting so caught up in my thoughts that I started to push them away but that didn’t keep them away. I eventually had to accept my life and I also had to accept that my friends are young, they are single, and they don’t have kids so there will be that disconnect there but that doesn’t mean that we can’t 

remain the same. As much as it took for me to adjust I’m sure it was just as hard for them and I didn’t realize that at first, as my mind was so negative I didn’t even realize how good they were being to me. It’s not easy being that pregnant friend but it’s not like my life is bad, it’s just a little different and I’ve learned that it’s okay. My baby girl is 5 months and sometimes it’s still hard for me to see them out having fun without me but it doesn’t effect me because they deserve to live their life to the fullest and I also understand which makes it easier on me. 

To Dejhaunna, Elise, and Rachel . . . 

Avianna is so lucky to have you guys and I can’t wait for her to know that herself, she’s surrounded by so much love. Day in and day out you guys are always here for me no matter what and I can’t thank you all enough. You guys make being a mom and that pregnant friend so much easier because like I stated earlier, you guys don’t count me out. You guys are so special to me and I can’t wait to see what this next year will bring us, regardless of what comes our way I know that we will remain the same as always. I love you guys forever!!!! 

squadSAMSUNG CSCsquad-2

With Love,

T. 

To all of my single moms

Regardless of what your situation is and how you became a single mom or if you started off as one . . . . 

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK !!!!!! 

It took me a long time to realize that I can’t be so hard on myself, especially when it’s only me 24/7 to do everything necessary for my baby girl. I realized that I will always feel down if I don’t ever stop and appreciate things for what they are in that moment. I had this bad habit of picking on myself, I would sit there and think about all of the things that I may be doing wrong or if I’m doing enough in my life for me and my daughter when in reality I am doing the best that I can which I know but sometimes I can’t give myself credit. It’s truly trial and error but everyday I get better and better with it. 

So here’s my message – 

Don’t be too hard only yourself because you are doing an amazing job. It’s not easy trying to take care of a child, not mentally, not physically, and definitely not financially. We get no breaks because when our babies are ready to play we have to play, when they want to eat we have to feed them, and when they sleep half of the time we can’t shut down to sleep with them. I want you all to put your trust and faith into God because that’s who got me through, when I felt like I was alone and broken he restored me again. We have a very hard job but in order to take care of our little one we have to take care of ourselves first and put ourselves in the best position possible to care for out them, it’s necessary. Often times we get down because we feel like we are not doing enough when we are doing above and beyond that! No matter how hard things get please don’t ever give up because things will get better and it may take time but they will. Once you start taking care of business, things will fall into place and you won’t even realize it. I also know that as a mom we struggle with many different things but just know that it’s OKAY to give yourself a break, to go have some time to yourself because we all need it. Often times we feel left out of the world because we have a big job and it may seem like life is passing us by but it’s not, life is right there with your baby and you have to find beauty in that. I see y’all, I hear y’all, and I’m with y’all…. everyday we face a new battle and a new struggle but that’s what makes us so strong. We are truly built for this because if we weren’t, God wouldn’t put us in this position in first place so remember that where he guide he will always provide. Sure we don’t have the freedom like we used to because our hands are so tied but look at your baby and tell me that the amount of love and joy that fills your heart isn’t the most amazing thing ever. Don’t ever give up because you can do this, mama! 

10 toes down, chin up. 

with love,

T.

my life now….

I can’t really find one word to describe how my life is right now but it’s definitely busy and constant. I’m either at work, tending to school, or with my baby girl – you can only imagine what goes through my head all day and I actually say “my life is in shambles” at least 10x a day. HA! I have a lot on my plate and often times I start my day not really knowing how I am going to make it through. Some days I feel like I can take on the world and other days I feel like I have the whole entire world on my back and I question what I am doing. Just like everybody else I get drained and exhausted, sometimes life really does take a toll on me and I start to lose my faith, I also sometimes forget WHY I’m doing what I am doing. I feel as if so many people struggle with trying to figure out their “WHY” and also their purpose in life and that was actually me a year ago before I had my daughter but when I say she changed everything she truly did. 

My life now is busy but it’s better than it’s ever been and I can genuinely say that. God blessed me with something that not everybody has, this type of love that I can’t even begin to explain. It warms my heart everyday to know that I was worthy enough to be Avianna’s mommy. My days with her are sometimes hard and some are very easy going, once I feel like I mastered something another thing comes up that I have to some how figure out. I realized that it’s going to be trial and error because certain things work and sometimes you have to try many things to see what really works which can be frustrating.

Trying to find a balance…… 

It’s so hard to try and find that balance between being a mother, a student, a full time employee, and also trying to find some time for myself. I find myself wishing days were longer so I can fit everything in but it doesn’t always happen like that, well it never happens like that actually. I had to just accept that I am not always going to have time for everything and that’s okay, some days I fall short but overall I always manage to get the job done. I don’t think there really is a balance, I think you just do what you’re supposed to do and everything will turn out fine but just like everything in life things will get difficult and you will get frustrated but in time I’ve learned how to deal with those down times much better.

My life now is honestly great, it’s also very tough but overall so rewarding. When I look at my daughter I can’t help but get emotional because I DID THAT, I survived the 9 months of pregnancy, I survived that c section and recovery, and I am doing everything necessary to make sure she has a great life and also paving the way for my little girl… setting that example. 

I decided to share some pictures (from my pregnancy to now) 

There’s truly beauty in every struggle…. 

with love,

T.