My daughter is my saving grace and my main source of happiness because of her I am able to experience REAL, TRUE, AND GENUINE LOVE!
Often times I reflect back on my life and I always wonder how my life would be if I didn’t have her and I can’t seem to find a good answer or even a good thought when it comes to that. Although it took me a long time to realize the good out of such a fast, scary, and unplanned situation I finally see the light in everything. Before when I first found out I had PPD I struggled so badly with having good thoughts when it came to my daughter, I had too many moments where I was dwelling on all of the bad and all I could think about was my old life, wanting that life back so badly. At one point I was drowning so badly that I couldn’t even look at my own daughter and be happy because I was that blind, my mind was so far gone at that point. It took a lot to drag me out of that deep hole but with A LOT of prayer, guidance, and support from my family and friends I started to find my balance little by little. People say “if you change your way of thinking, it can change your life” which is such a true statement because that was exactly what happened with me, it had to happen but I will say this…. It wasn’t easy at all.
Being a mom is the most attractive thing about me, I’m raising my child the best way I know how, I have a great job that I can honestly make a career out of, I am in school, I am a woman of God and have strong faith. If you ask me I’ve been holding it together pretty damn well!! It’s about time I acknowledge that myself and not let these negative people take that away from me. My daughter fulfills my life and she put so much together for me and I don’t think anybody will truly understand that.
Sure I am a single mom and this is not the most ideal situation as people would say but what is an ideal situation? This will be different for everybody but I am still trying to figure that out and that’s okay. If it wasn’t for her I would still be out every single night drunk at every club downtown, having a job just to have one, walking around here with NO type of purpose. Once I found out I was pregnant my whole entire mindset changed for the better and I can’t thank God enough for trusting me with Avianna because she is a true gift from up above. My daughter gave me drive and she gave me purpose in this life, she also filled this void that I had in my life and gave me this CRAZY motivation to do better in life. I became a very different person but at the same stayed the same, when I say different I mean in a good way, it was honestly almost like magic how things dramatically changed with me – I became better at decision making, I became much more responsible, I found it within myself to go back to school, I started to manage my finances better, and I started giving people/things in my life an expiration date which was something I struggled with very badly before because I just didn’t know how or I didn’t see a reason to. She pushed me to cut those toxic people out of my life because I didn’t want that for her and I didn’t want to be that settling example for her. It’s almost like she forces me to be happy, give off good energy, and spread love because that’s honestly what life is about.. it’s the cycle of life.
Before Avianna I was honestly so lost and I can’t say that enough, she forced me to grow up and be who I am today. I’ve never been so proud of myself, looking back on my life and seeing how far I came but to look forward is the more exciting part of it all. Being a mom isn’t easy period, it’s an everyday challenge and there’s no manual that I can go to for instructions or guidance on how to mother my child.
Avianna is my biggest blessing and my biggest accomplishment, I will allow her to always be my light.
Life is beautiful, Life is complicated, Life is up and it’s down but ultimately Life is what you make it. Life is something that we have no control over, often times if you’re anything like me you’re jus taking things one day at a time because that’s the only way you know how to handle it.
When bad things happen in our life we tend to forget every single thing that’s good in our life and I will speak for myself on this one because I do this very often. As I got older I found new ways to deal with the hard times that life brings and I’m still learning, I believe that it’s truly a trial and error process. Once something bad happens in your life you tend to think that it can’t or won’t get better, there’s NO looking at the brighter side or a good outcome because you are so stuck in that bad moment but those hard times and how you deal with them, how you figure things out and come out on top and not defeated is what’s going to help you grow. This is something that people struggle with on a day to day basis including myself because it is hard, see my thing is when a bad situation comes about I tend to freeze right in that moment and then my mind starts to race and I automatically TRY to control the whole entire situation and outcome when I have no control what so ever. I also tend to think of everything bad in my life, I let these negative thoughts overflow my mind and I start to sink and drown in those thoughts but as I stated earlier, once I got older I found ways to cope and deal with these bad situations that life puts you in or bad situations I sometimes put myself in. Such a trial and error process because the first idea or the second or third won’t always work but keep trying to figure it out.
Here are some ways that are helpful to me, I call them Life Reminders and I’m pretty much giving myself reassurance…
I write things down because sometimes my mind just becomes a bit much for me so I write or I type a note in my phone.
I tell myself over and over again that this too shall pass and I will be okay ( to a point where I believe just that)
I talk to my mom because she is my outlet
I have specific bookmarks in my bible that I will turn to and read
I will PRAY and talk to God *** (helps me the absolute most)
Those are just some things that I do to help me cope with those sudden bad/down times. I just want you all to remember that God is intentional and he makes NO mistakes no matter how bad the situation is, it’s in his will and apart of his plan for you. I have to reassure myself constantly that whatever is going on in my life I know God has a purpose for it, although none of it makes sense right now I have to know that it is in his hands and he will not fail me. God will make a way out of no way, so when you think you’re down and out with nothing left, with God you have everything and he will make it all possible when you thought getting out of a bad situation was impossible. You have to give thanks to him for the things that he has already done, the blessings he brought into your life, and the situations he led you out of. In bad situations and even the good ones pay attention to those signs that God gives you.
Omg! Hi Guys! It’s been awhile.. a pretty long while actually. I promise that won’t happen again but LIFE got to me and it’s honestly been crazy. The only thing in life that is constant is change which is so true because nothing that I do in my life stays the same, I almost feel as if it’s impossible for me to keep up with a steady routine.
SO WHERE HAVE I BEEN????
Nowhere exciting! LOL I’ve been at work and at home on Mommy Duty, also still in school but I’ve cut down to part time because the load is lighter which works better for my life at this time. I’ve switched job positions which required me to switch hours to second shift and I’m honesty STILL trying to adjust, some days I feel as if it works great and others I’m screaming on the inside wishing I worked my old hours (8-4:30) like a normal person. I got really busy with everyday life and I’m also trying to get skinny/lose this baby weight which is the ultimate challenge that I’m still trying to get down. Eating healthy is a huge huge challenge for me and I can’t stress that enough, on another note I’m trying to create structure around my crazy/inconsistent schedule is also another challenge itself. I’m also in the middle of trying to figure out exactly what I want to do in life, I’ve been having a lot of those thoughts lately but don’t get me wrong because I love my job but I know I’m destined for MORE.
I have some new ideas for my blog that I can’t wait to start putting up… let’s just say I’m investing in a camera!!!! 🙂
So now that we are all caught up let’s get to the REAL GOOD stuff. Even though I haven’t been blogging much I’ve always kept a list in my phone or in my journal of things that I want to blog about. So here’s what you can look forward to:
(Keep in mind that the title may change but these are just things that I will touch base on/talk about at some point in the next upcoming blogs)
Often times do you feel overwhelmed? I do! I actually say to myself and to others that my life is in shambles, it’s like second nature but I’m actually being serious about that.
So if you read my other blogs you would know that I am a full time mother, a full time employee, and a full time student – it is honestly soooooooooooooo HARD! Sometimes I want to cry because there’s just not enough time in a day for everything. When I have to work a whole shift, have a lot of homework to do, and Avianna is in need of all of my attention it’s so tough and I know that not everything will get done which sucks. You have to be an expert with time and I’m going to be completely honest…. I suck with time and managing it but just like everybody else I have good days and bad days.
When I seek advice on how I can do better in all three areas everybody tells me to set some kind of schedule and I truly am in the process of trying but my work schedule is all types of crazy and it’s hard to create structure around that but I still manage some how some way. Sometimes I wish I had more time to focus on school and more time to be at home with my baby girl but another part of me is telling me to work hard and bust my ass so I can pave the way for my daughter.
So how do you really find balance? You know…. I don’t really have an answer to that. It really depends on what you define as “balance” because even thought my life is in shambles like I always say I still feel like for majority of the time I have a good balance in my life. There’s also not one specific thing or routine that works for me, it’s always different every single day I just wing it literally! It really comes down to what works for you and what doesn’t work you, but also to not let other people get to you by what they’re doing and the pace they’re going – that was my biggest mistake, I paid a lot of attention to this one particular mom and I admired her; it seemed like she had the calmest baby ever who always played with her when it was time to play and slept when it was bed time but she also had her baby on a very strict schedule/routine and I was so jealous. She also snapped back very fast and lost all of her baby weight and I’m just like HOW????? How the heck does she do it? She’s like super mom! I had to take a step back and realize some things such as she was a stay at home mom so of course she dedicates her time and energy into training sleeping patterns and good habits as she has the time to, she’s also married and has a fully committed partner to help her out while she goes and meet with her trainer. I had to stop beating myself up about certain things and really accept that this is my life and I have to love it! It’s constant, it’s busy, it’s crazy, it’s inconsistent, it’s up and it’s down but I still love it and I am still very proud of myself – proud of what I do.
So honestly, there is no true balance for me, one thing that does really help me get through my day is writing things down or putting little alarms on my phone. I sometimes even use sticky notes and stick them on the back of my phone to remember certain things, it works for me so figure out what works for you. It’s always a great thing to look up to people, give other compliments, or even admire somebody BUT you can’t get caught up in their life and their path because you’re on your own. 🙂
I used to question everything I was doing because I didn’t think doing any of this was possible. It’s hard to make time for everything but that’s when my faith kicks in, I have to believe in God and truly believe that all things are possible, but most importantly I had to believe in myself and program in my mind that I can do it…. I can do it ALL!!! Everything takes time but do what works for you and don’t ever give up because there’s always a way. I say this saying soooooo much on my Twitter and even to others but it’s so true “If you change your mindset it can and WILL change your life”.
No matter what I do, I do not have the ability to change people
I am now having a child by a man that I don’t even get along with or love (this is permanent!!)
This is my reality
I did a very ungodly thing and this is dysfunctional situation is my consequence
Even though I’m pregnant, I’m still a human being and I still deserve the good things in life
I can’t stress
HAPPINESS IS STILL IMPORTANT
I’m going to have a little baby that’s going to look up to me for everything
My friends and family are all I need to get me through this tough time
I can’t stop praying
I have to change my act around to be the best role model for my child
I’m not alone in this
I had to realize that even though my situation was messed up and just not ideal at all I still deserve happiness and love. I wasn’t going to settle with someone just because I had a child with him. I think that’s where a lot of people tend to get stuck, they feel as if they’re obligated to just settle but no… I wasn’t going to put myself through that and God kept telling me to go the other way.
One important thing that I’ve realized is that NO MATTER WHAT the other person is doing, regardless if he is there 2% or 100% I will ALWAYS have to be there for my child 210%. I also had to realize and accept that it’s always going to be ME and nobody else at the end of each day. When it’s all said and done, everything will always fall back on me when it comes to my child.
“Sometimes the harm is temporary, as in a bad breakup that’s painful for few weeks but survivable. Other times the damage is permanent, such as when quick decisions results in disease, depression, or an unplanned pregnancy that changes the course of your life forever.”
I was living that carefree life thinking nothing this crazy and damaging would happen to me. My baby is now 4 months and I still go through it and it all could’ve waited honestly and truly – not that I regret anything but now I am tied to someone that I don’t trust, don’t care for, and barely get along with.
Everything happens for a reason and this is God’s plan for me – I trust it 110%. Keeping the faith.