Ever just want more in life? I want more in every aspect possible. I never get comfortable for too long with anything in my life, I believe that growing should always be the goal – from relationships, school, work, motherhood, and so on I want it all to prosper and GROW because those are things that I don’t ever want to die.
I tend to see a lot of people get comfortable with their everyday routine which is completely fine, not saying that there’s anything wrong with that at all. When things start to get repetitive for me I have to switch things up or else I’ll lose my mind, it can be something as small as reading a new book each day or working out but whatever it is, it has to be a change that will help me grow if you’re following my drift? I feel like I’ve been in that “comfortable” stage all of my life and I’m really trying not to go back to that. For so long I’ve always been okay with just having a job to get me through (pay my bills), go to school just to get my AA, get in a relationship just for the physical part of it or to feel loved, and I can go on and on. As I got older I’ve learned more about myself and also about my own life, I try to do things with a purpose behind everything I do and not just to do it because I feel like I should or because I feel the pressure from society.
Everyday I wake up with thoughts of a better life but I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with the life I live now but I always think about where I eventually want to be years later and what I can do to help my journey to get there. For example, I know for a fact that I have to be well off financially not saying rich or nothing but I have to know how to manage my money the right way. I’m not terrible when it comes to my finances but I can be better so I am working towards that; I’ve realized that having a planner and writing everything down from bills and other expenses down helps me remember and also gives me something to look back on just incase I need to. It’s all about figuring out what works for you even if it’s something little.
I’m the kind of person that just has a very deep thought for everything in life and I can’t seem to shut it off. I am 21 years old but I feel as if I spent so much of my time settling in life and I can’t do that anymore because the clock will continue to run and it’s not stopping for me or none of you. If you can even think about it/dream it then you can do it, with God anything is possible and I truly do believe that. I am going to get EVERYTHING that I can out of this life and I am going to pave the way for my daughter because she deserves nothing but the best. How? I am going to let God work through me and guide me in the direction he wants me to go. I know very well that I may fail, I may stumble, and I may get lost but I will always get myself back on track to get the job done.
My daughter is my saving grace and my main source of happiness because of her I am able to experience REAL, TRUE, AND GENUINE LOVE!
Often times I reflect back on my life and I always wonder how my life would be if I didn’t have her and I can’t seem to find a good answer or even a good thought when it comes to that. Although it took me a long time to realize the good out of such a fast, scary, and unplanned situation I finally see the light in everything. Before when I first found out I had PPD I struggled so badly with having good thoughts when it came to my daughter, I had too many moments where I was dwelling on all of the bad and all I could think about was my old life, wanting that life back so badly. At one point I was drowning so badly that I couldn’t even look at my own daughter and be happy because I was that blind, my mind was so far gone at that point. It took a lot to drag me out of that deep hole but with A LOT of prayer, guidance, and support from my family and friends I started to find my balance little by little. People say “if you change your way of thinking, it can change your life” which is such a true statement because that was exactly what happened with me, it had to happen but I will say this…. It wasn’t easy at all.
Being a mom is the most attractive thing about me, I’m raising my child the best way I know how, I have a great job that I can honestly make a career out of, I am in school, I am a woman of God and have strong faith. If you ask me I’ve been holding it together pretty damn well!! It’s about time I acknowledge that myself and not let these negative people take that away from me. My daughter fulfills my life and she put so much together for me and I don’t think anybody will truly understand that.
Sure I am a single mom and this is not the most ideal situation as people would say but what is an ideal situation? This will be different for everybody but I am still trying to figure that out and that’s okay. If it wasn’t for her I would still be out every single night drunk at every club downtown, having a job just to have one, walking around here with NO type of purpose. Once I found out I was pregnant my whole entire mindset changed for the better and I can’t thank God enough for trusting me with Avianna because she is a true gift from up above. My daughter gave me drive and she gave me purpose in this life, she also filled this void that I had in my life and gave me this CRAZY motivation to do better in life. I became a very different person but at the same stayed the same, when I say different I mean in a good way, it was honestly almost like magic how things dramatically changed with me – I became better at decision making, I became much more responsible, I found it within myself to go back to school, I started to manage my finances better, and I started giving people/things in my life an expiration date which was something I struggled with very badly before because I just didn’t know how or I didn’t see a reason to. She pushed me to cut those toxic people out of my life because I didn’t want that for her and I didn’t want to be that settling example for her. It’s almost like she forces me to be happy, give off good energy, and spread love because that’s honestly what life is about.. it’s the cycle of life.
Before Avianna I was honestly so lost and I can’t say that enough, she forced me to grow up and be who I am today. I’ve never been so proud of myself, looking back on my life and seeing how far I came but to look forward is the more exciting part of it all. Being a mom isn’t easy period, it’s an everyday challenge and there’s no manual that I can go to for instructions or guidance on how to mother my child.
Avianna is my biggest blessing and my biggest accomplishment, I will allow her to always be my light.
Life is beautiful, Life is complicated, Life is up and it’s down but ultimately Life is what you make it. Life is something that we have no control over, often times if you’re anything like me you’re jus taking things one day at a time because that’s the only way you know how to handle it.
When bad things happen in our life we tend to forget every single thing that’s good in our life and I will speak for myself on this one because I do this very often. As I got older I found new ways to deal with the hard times that life brings and I’m still learning, I believe that it’s truly a trial and error process. Once something bad happens in your life you tend to think that it can’t or won’t get better, there’s NO looking at the brighter side or a good outcome because you are so stuck in that bad moment but those hard times and how you deal with them, how you figure things out and come out on top and not defeated is what’s going to help you grow. This is something that people struggle with on a day to day basis including myself because it is hard, see my thing is when a bad situation comes about I tend to freeze right in that moment and then my mind starts to race and I automatically TRY to control the whole entire situation and outcome when I have no control what so ever. I also tend to think of everything bad in my life, I let these negative thoughts overflow my mind and I start to sink and drown in those thoughts but as I stated earlier, once I got older I found ways to cope and deal with these bad situations that life puts you in or bad situations I sometimes put myself in. Such a trial and error process because the first idea or the second or third won’t always work but keep trying to figure it out.
Here are some ways that are helpful to me, I call them Life Reminders and I’m pretty much giving myself reassurance…
I write things down because sometimes my mind just becomes a bit much for me so I write or I type a note in my phone.
I tell myself over and over again that this too shall pass and I will be okay ( to a point where I believe just that)
I talk to my mom because she is my outlet
I have specific bookmarks in my bible that I will turn to and read
I will PRAY and talk to God *** (helps me the absolute most)
Those are just some things that I do to help me cope with those sudden bad/down times. I just want you all to remember that God is intentional and he makes NO mistakes no matter how bad the situation is, it’s in his will and apart of his plan for you. I have to reassure myself constantly that whatever is going on in my life I know God has a purpose for it, although none of it makes sense right now I have to know that it is in his hands and he will not fail me. God will make a way out of no way, so when you think you’re down and out with nothing left, with God you have everything and he will make it all possible when you thought getting out of a bad situation was impossible. You have to give thanks to him for the things that he has already done, the blessings he brought into your life, and the situations he led you out of. In bad situations and even the good ones pay attention to those signs that God gives you.