At the beginning me and my childs father had a pretty solid plan to start it off, speaking of FAMILY, moving in together, and I guess what you would call an ideal situation. Who were we kidding? The situation itself was so damaged and just done for, I already knew from the beginning that I was going to go through this alone and that was fine with me because God is allowing me to carry this child for a reason and I may not know why right now but I’m going to hang on and trust this path that I’m on. The situation between us was very rocky, probably the most dysfunctional “situationship” that I’ve ever had to deal with in my 21 years of life. A lot of it was him but a lot of it was also me, everything happened really fast and we both didn’t know what to do which is understandable. At one point in my pregnancy I was yet again vulnerable and was pretty much desperate to be with him and have a family, after he told me he was involved with someone else I was still going to settle for that. I remember this day – I drove to Target on my lunch break and just cried my eyes out because I knew that wasn’t right. I called a good friend of mine and cried to her, I asked her to please say a prayer for me because I am lost and I don’t know what to do right now, I never felt so lost in my life. I didn’t have peace to sleep at night, motivation to get through the day, or energy to even do what I had to do to carry a healthy child. I continued to cry but I also continued to pray, I found myself talking to God more and more every single day. Everybody kept telling how important it is to not stress because it will stress the baby, one day something just came over me, I had a conversation with myself (yes myself) and God – I told myself that just because I am pregnant that does not mean that I should settle. You will be ok, you got this, you don’t need nobody because you got everybody that you need and they’re already behind you (family and friends), you can’t keep stressing, you want a healthy child.. I kept repeating these things to myself over and over again before I could really put some action behind it. I wanted to truly believe those words and that I did, after many trials and errors but it happened because I wanted it to.
Once I got over that hump with the help of God and the loving people around me I felt like I was unstoppable. The thought of having to be a single mom really scared me but once again, I had to have those conversations with myself, believe it, and act on it. My family and friends made my pregnancy so special for me day in and day out. I had them at every appointment with me, they helped me plan the most extra gender reveal party ever, planned my entire baby shower for me, and everything else in between. Don’t get me wrong though, it still wasn’t all that easy as there were so many nights I cried at night because I felt so lonely or because I still couldn’t accept that this is now my life, and if I made the right decision by not getting an abortion. It sucked hearing about my childs father being out every weekend, in a different country, states, etc and I was just pregnant not being able to do much. I was so blinded by what he was doing and forgot about the biggest blessing that was growing inside of me every single day. I got more and more into my pregnancy, I downloaded apps, I’ve ready many blogs, and read books which brought me so much joy. The things that were happening inside of me were just amazing and I didn’t even realize it! I gave myself things to look forward to and I also had to accept my life for what it was which wasn’t easy and still isn’t easy for me to do – it’s truly a process. When I look back on my pregnancy I look at the bad and the good, but the good most definitely outweighed the bad. I got it drilled in my head that I need to start doing the best that I can for my child and I can’t give up now so I continued to work, I continued to save, I and continued to keep my spirits lifted because my life is not over. It took me awhile to understand certain things because I had such a negative mindset but once I switched that everything turned around for me.
but how did I really mange? I gave it all to God.
I found beauty in a struggle, I made myself genuinely happy out of a nightmare, and I found my glow. All glory to god.
Peace and Love,