So here I am knocked up by this guy that I’ve only been talking to for 3 months, so now what do I do? What are my options? I remember constantly thinking to myself “this can’t be life” I kept saying it over and over again. I brought him around my family a couple of times before I found out I was pregnant and my mom told me she didn’t have a good feeling about him, that I should stop seeing him and sleeping at his house but of course I didn’t listen. I had to outweigh all of my options at this point but there was only two that came to mind which was keep it or abort the child. I finally came clean and told my mom, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but it hurt me so bad to know that she was disappointed in me, I felt like I completely failed in life to know that my mom was so disappointed. More than ever I just wanted my mom to talk to me, be there for me, help me, but most importantly pray for me – I told her that I was highly considering getting an abortion which was very hard for me to do because we are a Christian and I didn’t want her to slap me in the face, thankfully she didn’t because she understood everything I was going through. My mom told me that she would support me with whatever decision I choose to go with but she didn’t waste no time to reassure me that as a Christian that is not the right thing to do and that’s not what we believe in. I didn’t have much time to make a decision because I was already so far along and everyday the seed is growing. After thinking long and hard about it I wasn’t ready to give up my life and settle with having to deal with him for the rest of my life so I called the abortion clinic, made my appointment, and that was that. For some reason after making that decision it didn’t feel right and it was hurting me, all I could do was cry for days and I would try to run to my friends and my sister as if they can make that decision for me. I remember I was so disturbed at work as it was the day before my abortion appointment and I had to log myself out, go into an empty room, and I got down on my knees – it was me and God at this point. All I could do was pray to him and let him know my struggles, to please guide me through this and show me which way to go. I set 3 abortion appointments and couldn’t get myself to make any of them and it wasn’t because of the cost, the protesters, or anybody else but I knew in my heart that I was going to keep this baby and I kept telling myself that God did this for a reason and I will not go against it.
I had to face the facts and face my truth, I did a very ungodly thing by having sex with a man that I wasn’t even with to begin with, a man that doesn’t love me, and a man I know I will never be with… I KNEW ALL OF THIS but still did it – why? I was vulnerable, dumb, and lonely. Sometimes you deal with temporary pain such as a heartbreak that will heal over time but then you can also get something permanent like a child. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not regret one thing because this is all apart of God’s plan although I was having a tough time understanding this at first, it’s not my child that was the consequence but more of the situation I am stuck in for life. The thought of having to deal with someone that you don’t even want to look at because you HAVE to for the sake of your child is a tough pill to swallow. After deciding that I was going to keep the baby my life was more at ease and I was able to breathe again, a calm feeling came over me because I just knew I was supposed to have this baby, God was telling me or else this wouldn’t have happened. I felt bipolar to be completely honest one minute I was happy with my decision then the next I was like WTF am I doing and how am I supposed to raise a child when I’m trying to grow up my damn self.
A wise man told me “Tarin, just know that if you keep this baby you have to remove you and him out of the picture because regardless of what he decides to do YOU have to care for this child 210% and it will always be YOU. Just prepare to be a single parent.”
That stuck with me my whole pregnancy because this wise man knew my situation very well and it made sense.
Questions that I get very often….
- how did you get through pregnancy alone?
- whats the situation with you and you baby daddy?
- how do you keep sane?
- How do you do it now?
- Would you ever fix things to make a family again?
(will answer in next blog)
Again guys – these are my RAW thoughts and my story. In no way am I trying to shade nobody in any kind of way but it’s just MY truth and I will tell it.
Peace and Love,