Prior to this day my life was a damn mess but nobody knew because I was hiding it. I recently lost my day job which was one that I really enjoyed but I still had my job working the night life at club Aqua. I was living what people would call the “fast life” I guess, always going out, drinking for no reason, showed my face in the club faithfully, and forever having fun. While in the midst of all of this I was bouncing from situationships back to back, for some reason I kept settling for situations that were bad for me and I would KNOW this but still settle. I got back in touch with someone I knew through mutual people and we started talking, talking a lot actually and the conversation was GREAT better than what anybody else was giving me. Things started to pick up pretty fast because we were with each other a lot and if we weren’t together we were always talking. As we went out in public together, made appearances on social media, etc people immediately told me NO and to not do it. I knew in my heart this person isn’t someone worthy, he wasn’t healed from a previous relationship, and he wasn’t going to be in this 100% and in my mind I’m just thinking this whole thing is great coming from the situation that I just got out of but little did I know……
I was so weak, I didn’t love myself, I didn’t listen to my mom or friends, I didn’t listen to myself most importantly. I knew that he was no good for me, I knew this “thing” wasn’t going nowhere but I was so desperate for attention and just having someone there. I did a very ungodly thing by giving myself to him and by making myself so available to someone that I was not married to, hell not even in a relationship with.
It all led up to this very day, I still remember it like it was yesterday and I can still feel the same emotions when I think about it. Before this date I stopped drinking which wasn’t normal, I was always so tired, and I just felt off so on December 15th, 2015 I was at my cousin Christina’s house and she had a pregnancy test in the back of her closet that she let me use, I went into the bathroom thinking it wasn’t going to be nothing because for some odd reason I thought I couldn’t get pregnant and I’m telling y’all….. as soon as I peed on that stick the results turned out so quick. Come to find out I was late on my period and didn’t even know it as I was so caught up in my own mess that I didn’t pay attention. The first thing I did was call my best friend Dejhaunna because I just didn’t know what else to do (she was living in Chicago at the time) and I remember her reaction, she was supportive 110% from the beginning but she also cried because she was stressed for me.
My thoughts and emotions at this point: I didn’t know if I wanted to break down and cry or just all together pass out. I was thinking about ways to tell my mom before she finds out on her own as she always does with everything and also how to tell him. My cousin told me that I needed to tell him right away so I did, I did it over FaceTime because I had just left his house and his reaction was pretty straight forward. Once you are in such an unfortunate situation like this it all leads to one question…..
Find out in my next blog post.